You will all fall away

Peter declared, "Even if all fall away, I will not." ~ Mark 14:29

I find it fascinating how confidently wrong humans can be about themselves. I understand how you can be wrong about others, and about facts or information, but about the nature of yourself.....

Recently I've been going through a lot of self-reflection and realization of myself. I watched a movie called Flightplan by Jodie Foster and it was about a woman who goes through a period of self-doubt and self-realization after a traumatic experience of losing her husband and then her daughter. Throughout the whole movie you're left to wonder whether she was really going through mental trauma or whether she had really lost her daughter.

I think Peter went through a similar self-journey after Jesus was betrayed. He so firmly believed that his faith and love for Jesus could stand up to any test, but when tested, he realized that his faith and love was only on the surface. How devastated and sorrowful he must have felt. I'm not sure what the mourning would have originated from....guilt? sadness for who he realized he was (a sinner)? regret? shame? anger that Jesus was right? blaming circumstances and situations?

I realize that I go through these journeys often with myself, but not sure if I'm getting any better at realizing who I am and who I want to become. My most recent examples would be with A-girl, my student teacher and with my friend, sister and colleague Mrs D.

With A-girl I went through a plethora of thoughts of whether I really loved her and cared for her. Was I really acting in her best interest? Was I really helping her? Did I agape her? As much as I thought I did, I wasn't sure. She was so angry. She seemed so small and helpless. Could I lay my life down for her? Was I crying for her soul, or her lack of love for me? Was I being selfish or selfless? All these thoughts kept racing through my head...and my answer had to be "I don't know." I know what I wanted the answer to be, but I could not answer confidently. Even if I could, I bet I would hear Jesus' voice in the background saying "I tell you the truth....before the rooster crows....".

It was the same with my student teacher. I did want the best for her. I wanted her to learn, but it came back to how much did I care? Was my friction with her more because I didn't want her to dis-like me? How was I to distinguish? Then I went into the thought of maybe I'm telling too many people about our friction? I was wanting people to empathize with me. To agree with my actions and thoughts? What about her feelings and thoughts? Who was I caring more for? Did I phileo my student teacher? Was there even that brotherly love there? Did I love my neighbour?

The most painful friction came with my friend Mrs. D. It wasn't the first friction, but it was definitely the most painful. When even my "friend" questioned my character and who I was. Somebody who knew me more intimately had difficulties and problems with my actions or words. I can understand how Peter felt. Jesus...you're asking me if I "Agape" you? You're asking me if I "Phileo" you? What are you saying about me Jesus? Don't you know me? The truth, was that Jesus KNOWS Peter (me) intimately. He knows it all. What does He see? Perhaps that is where the great sadness and mourning stems from. Our very nature. Though we wish and see it as "okay" or maybe even "great", it is not. And that is something to mourn about.

The good thing is the story doesn't end there. Our decrepit, sickly and selfish spirits are resurrected. Today as a reminder of Christ's resurrection we are risen. We are glorious before God.